Thursday, December 05, 2013

My Anti-All Star Team

It's the off-season. I hate the baseball off-season. So much moving around, players going here and there, contracts, free agents, managers getting fired. It's traumatic, especially for a fan like me. I violate the biggest "rule" of team fandom and become personally attached to my favorite players. I can't help it. I appreciate the play on the field, and I love everything about the game, but I'm not gonna lie: I fall in love with some of these guys. Their personalities, yes, their looks, and how they carry themselves on and off the field all contribute to making them my favorites.

At the same time, there are some players that I just loathe. Sometimes, I dislike them for the same reasons everyone else dislikes them.  Sometimes, it's an irrational reason that means nothing to anyone but me. I hold grudges, and something that a player has done or said years before may stick with me and cause me to wrinkle my nose distastefully when they come up to bat. It can't be helped.

Basically, I'm emotional about both my attachments and my anti-attachments. To the point that my friends make fun of me. It came up the other day that I have enough people on my "list" that I could make a team made solely of players that I dislike. A couple of roster spots were immediately filled, no questions asked, and then I was able to fill in the rest of the lineup pretty quickly. I'm not sure if it's horrible or awesome or both.

Again, these are based on my own personal biases, and while I certainly will entertain suggestions for bench spots, I'm pretty sure you won't be able to talk me into DFAing any of these guys.

  • SP:  CJ Wilson and Bartolo Colon. I need two starting pitchers because you never know if Ceej is going to last more than a couple of innings. If I need to explain why Colon is on here, well, yeah, you can stop reading right now. 
  • C: He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. I uttered his name only ONCE all season when he was our starting catcher, and that was in an offering to the sweet baby baseball HeyZeus to avoid an embarrasing no-no at the hands of Captain Tightpants Verlander. He's with Boston now, which means, yay, I don't have to deal with him anymore. Except, um, Boston. They're my back-up team. CONFLICTED! 
  • 1B: Stupid-Face Mark Teixeira. I mean, seriously. Look at the guy. By all objective measures, he should be amongst my favorite type of player. But, no. I can't stand him. Him and his stupid face. Was never so glad to see someone leave Arlington. 
  • 2B: Vacant. I love most of the second-basemen in the league. They're almost all adorable, like Pedey and sweet little Altuve. Or like our intense, recently departed Kins. The Suggestion Box is open on this one. 
  • 3B:  David Freese. He has my sweet baboo's World Series MVP trophy. And I will get to watch him multiple times a season now that he is with our third-least favorite team, the LAAAAAA AngeLOLs. Grumble. 
  • SS: Jhonny Peralta. For the sheer fact that he does not spell his name correctly. That's enough to get you on the AAST. 
  • RF: Hambone. Because Baseballtown. 
  • CF: Coco Crisp. Coco Crisp is name for a cereal, not a baseball player. This player just pestered us all season. Always a pain in the azz. Grumble. 
  • LF: Josh Reddick. I love me some beards. Hello, Mike Napoli. But Reddick is just gross. Someone get this guy a bottle of shampoo, a razor and a comb. Thank you. Also, he's a Stoopid A. I could've made this whole list just by copying/pasting the A's roster. 
  • DH: A-Fraud. Remember when I said I was never so glad to see someone leave Arlington? That was a lie. 
  • Reliever:  Grant Balfour. Yeah, he's a free agent, but he's on here by virtue of being an A. The yellow-green cancels out any charm from being Australian. 
  • Manager:  SciosciaFace. Naturally.  
Yeah, I've probably spent way too many hours thinking about it. And I ain't even sorry. This is what happens in the off-season. Keeps my mind off the trauma of hot-stove. 

So, who makes up your AAS Team? And who should be my second-baseman?  Help a girl out! 

Ceej gonna Ceej. Sigh. Such a waste. 

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