Friday Five: New Year's Eve Edition

So it's the end of the year 2010.  What a year it's been, in my running life and more significantly, in my real life. It's been a whirlwind around here for the last few days, with Christmas and our Minnesota hockey trip, and I haven't really made the time for a deep dive into 2010. But I know there are are least five highlights, so here we go:

1. I ran 1469 miles this year, surpassing my 1200/year goal. Highest mileage was September and the lowest mileage months were November, March, April & May. Pretty decent considering the injuries I fought off at the end of the year and that little surgery blip in November/December. 
2. I finished four marathons this year, posting my fastest time of the year at New York City. That was fairly awesome. I also ran at least one race of varying distances in every month except for June (that's going to bug me...).  I had fun at every single one. Mostly because...   
3. I ran with a whole lot of people. Lots of people. One of my favorite running quotes is from Kristin Armstrong:  "Do not underestimate the intimacy of running and the people with whom you share your miles." This is a statement that I found to be true in so many, many ways this year.  The relationships that I forged this year on the streets, trails and paths of North Texas are without a doubt the highlight of 2010, and something that I hope to continue into 2011 and the future.  I would name names, but I'm afraid I would leave someone out, and those people I'm talking about know who they are. 
4. I helped several friends to some personal firsts with their running, and hopefully ignited the spark to not only keep them on the running bandwagon for years to come, but also to realize their potential and to keep reaching and stretching, to be more than what they think they can be.  Again, the people I'm talking about know who they are... 
5. As usual, my husband and my family continued to be my greatest support team, enabling me with their love and understanding to do what I love to do, even if they don't understand it all the time. 

 I'll have more on my report card on how I did with my 2010 goals, and of course, the obligatory 2011 goals blog post coming up in the next few days. Many, many thanks for stopping by to read my blatherings this year, and Happy New Year to you and yours!! 

& the hits just keep on coming...

Knee is still tweaked, as I discovered at mile 10.5 of the half-marathon I spontaneously decided to run on Saturday morning (race report here). Gall bladder is almost entirely healed. But now, now, I think my right foot is developing a slight and intermittently painful case of plantar fasciitis.

Oh, and Bandera and my first ultra, on the gnarliest, rockiest trails in Texas? Now less than 3 weeks out. SERIOUSLY?

OY.

Not strong enough

Do you ever have those days where you feel you are not strong enough to do something?  Today is one of those days for me. For no particular reason, I feel like I have a lot of stuff in front of me, some of it running related, some of it work related, some of it family responsibilities. And I don't want to deal with any of it. None of it. I want to climb under my blanket and hide, or at least sleep, or maybe just snuggle with my cats, or my boys, or my husband, whichever of them will sit with me for long enough (my bet is on Fat Momma Kitty, btw). The best part of my day for the past few months has been the first ten minutes, where I wake up in my husband's arms and for just a little bit it's just me and him, and things are simple and things are easy. And then the day starts and I get through it all well enough, but at the same time I sometimes  feel like I'm just going through the motions.

None of this makes any sense, I know. Maybe I'm just tired and need a vacation, a real vacation in which I do not have my body cut open and extraneous parts removed. Maybe my legs and my mind and my soul are all just exhausted. On balance, I have a good life, that I know. It's actually fairly spectacular most days, if not somewhat mundane & decidedly middle America. Recent events with several friends have emphasized that to me in a lot of different ways. My husband and I find each other much more appreciative of what's in front of us than we did six months ago because of it all. So I don't know what's going on to make me feel this way. Maybe I just need a nap & a big chunk of cheesecake. Maybe I'll regret posting this later. Who knows.

On a somewhat unrelated (but probably not) note: I think I killed my Tyler finisher rose plant. Boo.

Friday Five

Crap.  I missed Thursday Thirteen again. I guess it's a good thing because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to come up with 13 things to talk about. It's kind of been a blah week - lots of work going on and trying to get back into the groove of training for this ultra-marathon dealie I've signed up for (eeeek! and YAY!) while still being on "restricted" exercise somewhat and recovering from being all cut open.  So, let's just do the Friday Five and call it good, OK?

1. Bandera 50K is less than a month away. I am not allowed to run on trails until the end of next week. Then there is a hockey trip to Minnesota between Christmas & New Year's which may either reduce me to hotel treadmills if I am lucky or frigid temps & icy conditions for training runs that week. I am so screwed. 
2. Wilderness Running Company sent me an awesome tech shirt in the mail yesterday, just for leaving a comment on their FB page. 'Cause they're cool like that. I have now made my Christmas list from their site. Please, Santa, I've been good. Mostly... 
3. I have not met a lot of my 2010 goals. That's disappointing. I totally planned to do the pushups challenge after NYCM but that didn't happen. So I'm still very squishy. That is more disappointing than not meeting my other goals. 
4. I was thrilled to realize that since I did complete the Santa Scurry 5K last Friday night, I have raced at least once in every month in 2010, except for June. No races in June. Not sure why I let that one slip by. Phoo. But still. I had a very fun year racing-wise. 
5. I need to update my header pics again. There are a ton of more pics I want to add of even more awesome runners that I have met & Ran It Out with this year. At this rate, the header pic would take up half my blog. And that would be totally fine. 

Happy Friday!! 

Support, Balance & Not-So-Tough Decisions

So, two weeks ago I was still couch-ridden, recovering from this little surgical episode, but now I feel almost completely back to normal. Seems like this laparoscopy thing is a pretty cool advance in medicine and really did allow for a quick bounce-back. Almost too quick, really, given my personality.  I feel like I am at 100 percent, although I guess the internal healing isn't quite done yet. That's why my surgeon was cautious about me heading back to trail running right away, and why he discouraged me from even thinking about running the White Rock marathon last weekend. But... nobody said anything about me running the Fiesta Marathon NEXT weekend...

See where I'm going here? After the tutu came off and the rush of seeing so many of my friends and other runners out on the course Sunday wore off, the sadness and frustration of not getting Maniacs in 2010 started to hit me again. I thought I had come to grips with it, that the "hands of fate" or whatever had interceded and given me not one, but two, signs in my knee and gallbladder that I needed to Calm the F Down and take a break. My health and the ability to do this running thing as long as I can is more important than becoming Maniacs right now, right? Right? I know that. But still, in the quiet of the night on Sunday I started to think that maybe it wasn't out of reach. Maybe it was possible if I could find another December race to just finish and still get Maniacs in 2010. So on Monday, I pulled up MarathonGuide.com and searched for December marathons. There is one in McAllen, Texas, down in the Rio Grande Valley, where I grew up. Where it's flat (no incline, but more importantly for Miss Cranky Left Meniscus, no descents). It has a seven-hour time limit. That's a 16:00/mile (yes, I ran the numbers). The thoughts started.

I checked my airline miles balance and have enough for a $5 ticket round-trip down and back. There are seats available on flights where I could have breakfast with the boys on Saturday and dinner with them on Sunday. I have barely enough of my road warrior hotel points left that I could get a room at a hotel across the street from the expo/start/finish line. The hotel has an airport shuttle. All this trip would cost me is food (I'm gonna eat whether I'm here or there so it doesn't really count, right?) and the entry fee. All this trip would cost me is 5+ hours on my feet. I wouldn't be in any position to race this for a time goal, I knew that. But if I could just finish, I would have Maniacs. I wouldn't have to wait until March. I could have it NOW!!

All these thoughts were jumbled in my head all morning long. I asked my Twitterverse if I should do it.  Note to self - don't ask a bunch of crazy runners if you should do some crazy running. They will only encourage you and most likely join you. I did have one amazing friend txt me offline and ask what the hell was I thinking?  and what was I trying to prove? and telling me to be careful if I did it because she'd kick my a$$ if I got hurt. But she knew that if it was in my heart to do it that I was going to do it. And she would be supportive of me for it. The Twitter consensus was to go for it. And that's what I really wanted to do.

But I hadn't consulted my husband or my family yet. I hadn't told them of my plans, mostly already formulated in my head if not formally through confirmed online reservations. Let me be clear about something: I do not have to "ask permission" from my husband to race. I think it is just common courtesy and a thoughtful thing to do to make final decisions about my races with him, so that I can be sure that I'm not getting so carried away with my race plans that I overlook some important family obligation, or put us into debt with plane tickets or race fees or hotel costs. Racing can be very expensive, and when you are as slow as I am, it takes time away from the family.  I am gone for hours at a time when I am out running, even if I just step outside my door, something that I am less and less likely to do these days now that I prefer trails or when I would rather run with my friends in different parts of FW-D.  I missed most of the day on Sunday when I was out cheering the marathoners - I left my house at 6:00 AM and didn't get home until nearly 3:00 PM. It is only right that I make sure my plans don't interfere with the family activities and that they don't take up so much time that I neglect the most important people in my life.

And this is where the support that we as runners get from our families is so very important. I have said here before and I will say it again many times before I die - I could not do what I do without the support and love and backing from my family, especially my husband. He does not understand the passion I feel for running. He has never felt the "runner's high" when he slogs out 6 miles on the treadmill at the gym. He's done some 5Ks but doesn't have the bug to race and run like I do. And that's OK. Because he doesn't have to understand it to know that it is something that is critically important to me. It is a part of my very soul. So to have his support and backing is critical. And how I maintain that support and backing is actually pretty simple: I don't let my running take over our lives. My family is not, at this time anyway, centered around my running. We have hockey games and gymnastics practice, and band concerts and parades that we need to do. And I have to fit my passion in and around all the things that everyone else in my house has going on, all the things that are important to them. Because we all matter. We are all important members of this family.

So, when I sent him an email yesterday outlining the situation, that I needed one more race to get Maniacs and here is the plan, I didn't think he would say no. And he didn't. He said, in a nutshell, "if you think you really need to do it, go ahead." And then he also gave me some things to think about, being pragmatic and practical in that non-runner kind of way. He asked me if I felt my knee was really fully healed (I think so, but probably not - I need at least two-three more treatments before Dr. Kemp is sure it is OK), and if I thought my body was really ready so soon after the surgery to handle 26 miles. He asked about my training, and reminded me that I only really started running again last week and had three full weeks completely off after New York. But he never said "No, don't do it."  Instead, he led me to make the decision that I knew was the right one all along. I know this was a crazy-hare idea. I know this doesn't make sense and that it's too soon. But that immature, want-it-NOW part of me thought it might be OK. So I was glad that my husband knows me well enough to encourage me to do something if I felt I really needed to, but also to guide me to do the right thing. And he did it all in a way that didn't take away my control or make me feel that he didn't want me to do it. I knew he was concerned for my health and well-being, though, and I know that he was most concerned that I not injure myself further.

Ultimately, I decided not to do the Fiesta Marathon. I might have added it to my list, though, since they give you a sombrero at the finish along with your medal. A sombrero!! How cool would that be?!  But really, although the realization that not running this race meant that my 2010 season was over was somewhat depressing, I know it is for the best and I know that this is the most logical decision I could have made for my family and really, for myself.  So, no more racing until 2011, which I start off with a bang at the New Year's Day Half-Marathon. It will be a great day for a race and a wonderful way to start 2011.

Thursday Thirteen

It's Thursday again!! Yeah! Wow, that week went by quickly!!  Here we go!

1. Where did November go?  Oh, yeah, I had this big deal marathon that took up the first week, then I hurt my knee and couldn't run for another week, then my insides exploded on me and then I got cut up before Thanksgiving. And, how about that, it's December now. Wheee!  
2. Because of the whole "insides exploding on me" deal, i am not running White Rock, but I will be there to cheer. We have secret ninja cheering moves that we are working on so that we can see as many of our friends as possible on both the half and full course. It will be crazy and there will be Starbucks involved for that yummy delicious salted caramel hot chocolate to keep us fueled for such a grueling adventure. But I hope to take TONS of photos. So looks for me on the course. I'll be wearing an orange tutu - kind of hard to miss!! 
3. My return to racing will be tomorrow night in Keller at the Santa Scurry. Hubby is out of town so Dreadpirate DinoBoy & I will be doing a 5k, at his pace, using 3/1 intervals. He's really doing it for the shirt and the Santa schtuff and Christmas fun they'll have afterward. I have been provided with special socks for the occasion. It will be a fun night - it's been a while since my bubba has run with me, so I hope he feels good about it at the end. 
4. I really was sad to miss the Turkey Trot this year. I heard they had tech shirts this time. and they redesigned the course. Wahhhh! 
5. I spent time over the long Thanksgiving holiday walking. A lot. On the trails up at River Legacy Park. I may be in love with River Legacy Park, especially now that I no longer get lost and go out of the actual park grounds anymore!! It's a nice smooth trail with some roots and rocks but nothing too challenging. There are some fun up & downs on the south side that I had fun on, and there are two or three loops that I have yet to explore so, YAY! 
6. We have finalized our hotel reservations and road trip plans for Bandera. It's going to be EPIC!! Seriously. Julie is doing the 25K - I met her in Tyler and can't wait to spend more time with her!! My super bad-ass Grand Teton / 3X Ironman finisher girl I want to be when I grow up Sarah is doing the 50K with me (YAY, Sarah, I LOVE YOU, thank you for taking care of me on those big ugly rocks!!), and Super Bad-Ass Jeremy is doing the 100K.  Because that's how he rolls. It's going to be a party, I tell you. Plus Fawn & a lot of other super-cool-oh-my-gawd-I-don't-fit-in-here-when-will-they-wise-up-&-ask-me-to-leave people are going to be there. I CAN'T WAIT!! 
7. Of course, I have been restricted to not running on trails for another two weeks. I can run on flats or walk on trails, but I cannot run on trails, lest I fall and the internal guts 'splode again. That's what the doctor said today. So I will have to spend some time on the treadmill meanwhile doing incline walking and double it up with running on flats to get these legs ready for Bandera and the hills there. 
8. The knee is way better after the miracle doc at Active Spine & Sport did his magic. I will need to get a few more treatments before Bandera to make sure the meniscus is all jammed in the right way, but if I'm walking on trails or running on flats for the next two weeks, it shouldn't give me any trouble. So I'm really, really, really happy about that. 
9. No, I'm really, really, really happy about the knee. Like, WHEEE! happy! 
10. You know what happens when you spend the month of November running around and then get hurt and then have surgery and then spend a week "recovering?"  Your house kind of becomes a pit. And the members of your family (who are apparently incapable of folding clothes or taking them out of the dryer) start to get dressed in the laundry room. And you choose to buy a new package of socks for the teenager instead of digging through the piles to find matching pairs. At least that's what happens around here. Your mileage may vary. You might give a crap about things like laundry and sweeping, too, though... 
11. Thank goodness the cleaning people are coming next week. I pay them to give a crap about laundry and sweeping and vacuuming and all that schtuff so I don't have to. It's the best money I spend every three weeks! 
12. I hope after they come that I get motivated to decorate for Christmas. Hasn't been the same since my mother-in-law passed away last summer - she used to decorate the house to an inch of its life and then send all kinds of stuff home with the boys for my house. I have a great collection of ornaments we collect when we travel and give tot the boys each year and a cool Advent quilt (which I am apparently late to put out again.. phoo) but not much beyond that. Oh, yeah, we have a Longhorn Santa in an orange suit. Tell me you're surprised.  Really? 
13. Is this the best EPIC face you've ever seen?  The EPIC face is something that my 10 year old introduced me to, and as hilarious as this little thing is, seeing him do the EPIC face is brilliant. but he won't let me take a pic because he knows it will end up on the internet!! Smart boy, that one!! 

Thursday 13: Thanksgiving Edition

Yes, it's a little late, but it'still technically Thanksgiving, so I haven't missed the boat entirely!  Without further ado, Thirteen Things for which I am grateful this year, in no particular order:

1. My health. Yes, I know, the last two weeks haven't exactly been stellar in this regard,with the knee thing and then this whole removal of optional organs and such, but, on balance, I am a healthy person, and for that, I am eternally grateful. My heredity certainly does not wire me to be so - I should be severely obese, hypertensive, diabetic and otherwise unhealthy, so that I am fit enough to complete four marathons this year is a pretty cool thing. 
2. A job with a good paycheck and benefits. The other thing that was brought to mind this week is that when the doctors said "You need this operation," I was able to schedule it without hesitation as to how it would be paid for. And when I realized I had to go to the ER last week, I was able to do that without hesitation because I have decent health coverage. I know not everyone is as fortunate. 
3. My husband. I have been through a lot this year, and he has been with me along every step of the way. He was supportive and encouraging at every turn, and even when I did some stupid things that could have been taken otherwise, he never doubted or questioned me or my love for him. Never. I am truly lucky to have such an awesome partner in my life. 
4. My oldest son. He is exactly like me in nearly every way. Which means we butt heads more often than not. But we also understand each other, as much as a mother can ever understand her 15 year-old son. We "get" each other like nobody else in our family gets us. And he loves his momma and still gives me hugs and sits next to me on the couch to watch TV with me. 
5. My youngest son. He is nothing like me. Nothing at all. He is artistic and musical and sensitive and caring. He brings me happiness and light with his scary smart wit and sense of humor, every day of our lives.  He loves his momma. And he is my biggest cheerleader. 
6. My friends. Here is where I want to say "my running friends," but I also hesitate to do that, because the friends I have met through running have become more than just running partners. I have found some amazing people that have truly shaped my life and influenced me and motivated me and inspired me in ways that I could not have imagined. I am a better person because of them. I am so lucky to have added such wonderful people to my already overflowing list of friends. 
7. My traveling buddies. I had an amazing experience in New York for the marathon this year, in large part because of the special women that shared the trip with me. It was a lifetime event, and I am so blessed to have had them along for the ride. We will do it again!! 
8. My home. It is a warm, safe, and a loving environment for my family and for my friends. It is always open to anyone, any time of day, as long as they don't mind a little cat hair on them. 
9. The EBV. My car isn't much to look at, with its missing side panel and slew of bumper stickers on it (I always swore I'd never be THAT person, but lookie there, I am THAT person now!), but what I love most about my car is that despite the water bottles on the floorboard, clif bar wrappers stuck in the crannies and the random hockey stick, golf clubs and/or speedskates in the back, it gets me all over FW-D so that I can meet up and run with all of my running friends. "Have shoes, will travel" is my motto and I love that my little car will get me to whatever trail, path, street corner or bakery in Waco I need to be at to Run It Out with my friends!
10. Twitter. Yes, Twitter. and Daily Mile and Facebook.  Call them social media, call them an online community. Whatever. All of my friends and my support network in my computer keep me going when I don't feel like going out to run, and keep me sane when I want to run and can't. I don't think anyone who isn't involved in these networks can ever know how important they can become to us who have formed true relationships through them. 
11. Sunny days. Need I say more? Nothing quite like running outside on a sunshine day, with mottled light coming through the trees. Nothing in the world. 
12. Muddy trails. Makes it a little less painful when I inevitably trip and fall!! 
13. The future. With this year behind me as far as racing and running goes while I rehab this broken body of mine, I am looking forward to what comes next. I have learned I can make all the plans I want and it may not mean anything, so I am excited to see what the future holds for me.  

I am most grateful for these guys.

NYCM Pics

I haven't bought my NYCM pics yet, since the expendable cash we had laying around off the money tree in the back is being used for this little medical procedure of mine, but I did want to share a couple of the pics from Brightroom from the race. They had photographers at a ridiculous number of spots along the course, and I am impressed that they were able to get as many clear individual shots of me as they did, considering the crowds along the route the whole way. Granted, by the time I made it into Central Park, the runners had thinned considerably, but it's still a monumental task.

I am going to be getting the plaque with the replica bib and a second medal in it, but I am having a hard time deciding which picture to use. I'm not sure if I should use one from early in the race, when my knees weren't bandaged up like a mummy and I looked like I was still having fun, or one from later on when I was clearly laboring to get to the finish. A couple of these pretty clearly show the amount of pain I was in, and while I'm kinda-sorta horrified by how miserable I look, at the same time, they do show the whole this-marathon-thing-ain't-easy. So, I'm still deciding, and I will have a little more time to mull it over since I have to save the pennies again until I can order them!

I think I like this one best. Smiling and kinda running...

Clearly walking but still smiling

yeah, I'm kinda hurting here.. 

Not sure what was going on here!!

I was running in this one... almost

Smile or grimace? You be the judge!

Lurch, lurch, lurch. Forward motion, baby... 

Running through the finish.

Happy & smiling at mile 13! WOOT! 

I don't even remember taking this picture... 

Thought bubble: "Well, this kinda sucks... "

Thursday Thirteen, the Gall Bladder Edition

Wheee!  Are we having fun yet? No? Oh, just wait!!

1. I have to have my gall bladder taken out. Right away. Like, the doctor wanted to do it tomorrow. I begged off until Tuesday. Mostly because I have to bake for Thanksgiving and ain't no way that's happening if I go under the knife tomorrow. So, priorities, people!!! 
2. We figured out I have gall stones after I spent two excruciating hours at the local doc-in-a-box, followed by two more excruciating hours at the ER, followed by two kinda-nice-wow-these-are-cool-drugs hours there. This was after a few hours at home in severe agony fighting chills and profuse sweating, nausea and almost-vomiting.* Apparently, gall bladder issues are fairly common among Hispanic women in their 40s. Taking estrogen, BC pills and other girl-hormones exacerbates them, sometimes. Yeah, that's me... (raising my hand sheepishly). 
3. My ER doc is a marathoner. Fast enough to qualify for Boston. Ran Chicago on 10/10. Shook his head, albeit understandingly, when I asked if I could wait until after White Rock to do the surgery. Damn. 
4. So, no White Rock for me this year. Which means no Maniacs for me this year. F.M.L.  Crap. I have cried many tears over this. Many. But I have awesome friends who remind me that even if I don't qualify for Maniacs this year, that doesn't make me any less crazy... gee, thanks, guys!! 
5. These same friends have assured me that if need be, they will break up my next marathon into chunks and relay it with me to get me to my sub 5:00 goal. THAT is awesomeness, I have to say. Which is why I love my friends. Not my "running friends." No, these are my friends. True friends. 
6. To get Maniacs, I would have needed 3 full marathons in 90 days. The plan had been Tyler, NYCM and White Rock. My next marathon (ultra) is Bandera 50K. On January 8. 91 days after Tyler. SERIOUSLY?! 
7. I will still be at White Rock. I will be cheering. Quite possibly, I will be wearing a tutu. And holding glitter signs. And taking pictures and otherwise being obnoxious. If you are running White Rock, please tell me so I can watch for you and cheer for you. LOUDLY! 
8. The knee feels better. I went to Active Spine & Sport in Fort Worth, based on several recommendations, and I have to say, YES! They were great. He hurt me and made me cry, but it was in a John-Cougar-Hurts-So-Good kind of way. And I ran hills this morning, and the knee held up. We will continue working with him after I get the gall bladder removed and can resume running again. We kind of need to do a trial-and-error thing on the knee to make sure we're fixing the right thing, so I need to be able to test it and give the doc feedback, so we are postponing heavy PT on it for now. 
9. I have only run 46 miles in November. 26 of those were in the marathon. I am really glad I have already hit my mileage goal for the year.. November will be my lowest mileage month all year. Bah. 
10. This will be the first year since I started running that I will not be doing the FW Turkey Trot. That sucks. I was all set to PR on that course, too. Not that I will be eating any cheesecake that day anyway. 
11. I very much am waiting for this movie to come out on DVD. The power of the unicorn, baby. 
12. Until this gall bladder is removed, I cannot eat anything greasy, fatty or otherwise having taste and flavor. Which explains my craving for a big bowl of fried rice chased by a chocolate milkshake. Gah. 
13. I am currently listening to this song in SEVERELY heavy rotation.  It's much deeper and very sad if you stop and  listen to it, but the title just kind of spoke to me this week. Yeah, I'm feeling kinda broken right now. 

*I don't vomit. I just don't. I can remember doing it only once in my life, and that was after drinking orange juice on an empty stomach while pregnant with my first son. I hate the sound, smell and idea of vomit and I will do nearly anything to avoid it. I knew something was very wrong with me when I would have preferred to vomit and have it done with than to hurt like I did on Tuesday. 

DNF #2 & Deep Fried Funk

I rested the whole week after NYCM, to give the knees a break. They didn't hurt all week. Maybe that was because I didn't run all week? In any case, Saturday morning broke clear and crisp and COLD and I was so excited to go out to Lake Grapevine and finally get my run on and hit the trails for a little 15K at the Rockledge Rumble. I planned to take it nice & easy and just enjoy the day and enjoy my transition from road racing to trail running.

Katie & Kevin - Kevin ran his first ultra on Saturday! WOOT!

My knees had other ideas. After meeting (FINALLY) with Kate and Kevin (the most adorable couple ever) at the start and chatting briefly with Jeremy who was out there volunteering, we watched the 50K group take off, then it was our turn.The first part of the route was on pavement as we ran down the road from the pavilion to the trail head. The first few steps felt great - my body was saying, "Oh, yeah, running, I remember that. It's what we were doing until Mile 23 last week. Cool."  But after about a quarter-mile, my left knee twinged a little. I thought it just needed to warm up, so I didn't give it much thought.

Start of Rockledge Rumble 50K.

Then we turned onto a grassy area before the trailhead and the footing was slightly uneven. Not much, but more uneven than the pavement. And it twinged again. Not enough to slow me down, but enough that I knew it was there. Then we turned onto the path. And it felt so good to run again. And it was a glorious morning and the trail is amazing and I was so happy to be out there. And then, the first slight little descent. And by slight, I mean SLIGHT. And there it was again. Ouch. Twinge?  Tweak? Pain? Maybe not pain, but I had to stop and think whether I could seriously do this for another 8 miles. And even if I could, should I?

I had toyed with the idea of doing the Fort Worth marathon on Sunday, too, thinking that even if I ran slow and didn't think about my finish time that I would qualify for Maniacs once and for all. I didn't have any knee pain or popping or anything all week, so I was still holding to hope that I might be able to do it. But after about 800 yards on the trails, I knew that wasn't going to happen. I knew that the run on the trails wasn't going to happen. The knee was twinging on every step, more so if it was a descent. There are many more miles to run, and more goals to meet, so I had to stop and turn around.

It sucked. I know it was the right thing to do. But it was an absolutely gorgeous day. No, really. I cannot remember a more perfect day for running through the woods. And then there was the uncertainty that started to creep in about what is wrong with my knee. It was a long walk back to the car, let me tell you what. By the time I got there, I was nearly in tears. And then I called a friend I was supposed to meet after the race to let her know that I would be there early, and the tears started. And I cried the whole way to where I was meeting her. It was the start of a very emotional up & down weekend for me.

Train for a marathon as your singular focus for five months. Come up short on your time goal, despite it being an overall amazing experience. Hurt yourself in the process. Don't run for a week trying to make it better and find out, no, you're still broken. Throw all that in a pot and stir it up, and you're going to have some serious funk, I tell you what. I tried to lift myself out of it by cheering on some friends at the FW marathon the next day, and that did help some, but mostly, I just felt jealous of all the runners out there on another picture-perfect day. It was another up & down emotional roller coaster of a day.

yay! my buddies on course at Fort Worth marathon.
I staved off my jealousy long enough to cheer for them...

Luckily, I have some great friends and an amazing husband, all of whom have been very supportive and encouraging and reassuring. So much of my identity is tied into running and it's scary to think that I am going to be sidelined for any amount of time. What happens to a runner if they can't run? What am I then? What happens if I trained for so long and the rest of my body is ready and willing to run hard at White Rock and get Maniacs and fulfill my goals, but my stupid knees won't cooperate? Then what?  Yeah. I'm kind of a mess.

I have an appointment later today with a highly recommended sports therapy clinic in Fort Worth. I am hoping and praying for good news and a fast recovery. I don't just want to run again... I need to run again. I need to break out of this funk now and I can't do it if I can't Run It Out.  I have focused on running for so long that I am kind of a mess without it. I would have to re-invent myself if I can't run, and dammit, I can't do that right now. I don't want to do that right now. Sigh.

More to come, I'm sure...