Sunday, March 04, 2012

I miss my blog

I would say I miss running, but I have been doing just enough to maintain my base and go to a race and not be totally humiliated. I'm embarking on a new training plan soon, but there is no longer an "A" race on the table. I will be doing the OKC Half, but past May, I have nothing specific planned. So that makes a following a rigid training plan a little less urgent, since there is no end-game in sight at the moment. I have goals, for sure, they're just not as crystallized and objective and measurable as I like my goals to be, so they're really more like ideas right now. 

But I am running. Here and there. On occasion. And to be totally honest, the new training plan is a little slightly crap-ton daunting. For someone who has trained for years (since 2004) on just miles - miles is miles, get the miles in, did you do your miles? -  having specified paces and repeats and thresholds is scary. So I'm taking baby steps with it instead of just jumping in whole hog. It's akin to dipping my toe into the pool, then running to the locker room, fleeing the building and then thinking about going back for a week before I finally actually get into the water. It's a process.  A SLOW process. I have to get back into the game mentally before I can get back into it physically. And that's frustrating as hell, but I just can't get motivated to do it more quickly right now. I'd love to be as focused and driven as I was during NYCM training, but I'm just not there right now. And honestly, I'm not sure that I was emotionally healthy during that training cycle. It was a tough summer and the running and training and precise attention to the physical part of me was really a coping mechanism for some other stuff. I'm not in that space anymore, and I don't desire to be, ever again, amen.  But where else do I find motivation now?  

I'm mostly trying to find balance in my life right now. Got a lot on my plate and all is well, just slightly overloaded and I find myself on the edge between "whelmed" and "overwhelmed" more often than I'd like. Such is life with two active kids, a full-time job, a husband who appreciates time and attention every now and then, and a house to maintain. I'm not complaining, I'm just stating my reality. I need to be sure that I give the proper amount of attention to everything in my life, and right now, quite honestly, running and racing is taking a back seat. That doesn't mean I'm done, far from it, it just means that I am not a slave to it right now, and not letting it dictate my life. Take that as you will. 

So there. I want to say more, but it would just sound like excuses, probably. So I'm not going to. I don't have to rationalize or excuse or justify my choices to anyone. It's just the way things are right now. 

I hate that I haven't been writing much lately. I love my readers, and since I've taken a twitter hiatus too, I am feeling even more removed from all these people in my computer that have been a huge source of motivation and inspiration. But really, it's a logical side effect of the hiatus from serious training, not having much to say about running. I will be back soon, I just can't put a date on it. So, don't leave me yet, check back every now and again. You might be pleasantly surprised one day. Hopefully sooner than later. Meanwhile, thank you for sticking with me - it really does mean a lot, that these people in cyberspace kinda-sorta care. 

Still running. Just for me. Just enough to keep me happy. 


That Pink Girl said...

And your readers miss you. But it will be here and so will we when you are ready to write again. We love you and respect your decision to focus on other things!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Doing it for you is the right thing. XO, Juls

Marci said...

Love you Mama C!!!!!

LifeisaRun said...

We miss you, Mama C!! We'll still be around when you get back, and you doing this and allowing people know is awesome! Sometimes it's easy to forget about the other stuff in life, and sometimes just gotta wonder how other people fit it in! Love the realness!